Struggling

I hate to admit when I am wrong, weak, and in need of help. With that said, I don't think I am regressing back to the unhealthy state I was in freshman year of high school and even freshman/sophomore year of college. I am just having a hard time dealing with my current weight. As I have been extremely busy between cross country, classes, and my internship at the Autism center, I cherish the moments when I get to myself to relax and slow down. Lately however, slowing down has definitely not been an option. Moments of relaxation have become opportunities to think about all of the things that I have the power to change. After 8 years of being tormented with this eating disorder, I would have thought that time would make things a little easier. Unfortunately, it hasn't gotten easier. As I have gotten "healthier" in terms of weight, I have become more obsessed with trying to find every possible way to lose weight. It has gotten harder for me to accept myself at the current weight I am at. I know quite well of the damage I am capable of and it terrifies me, to think that I am capable of such powerful things. I know that the eating disorder doesn't define me or my potential as a person, but it is hard to think of myself without it at this point. It has become so much a part of my being, and to find the separation between the eating disorder and who I actually am has become blurry. I so badly wish that I had the ability to love food like I know that I am supposed to. It isn't necessarily that I hate it, but the fear of what it will do to my body is too much to handle. I sure as hell know that recovery isn't an easy process, I just wish that there was a defined finish line to all the madness and chaos. I know that these feelings of inadequacy are only temporary, but to find the motivation to fight right now seems pretty useless.

“You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad.”
― Marya Hornbacher

Summer Thinking

I have neglected this blog for quite some time, but I had a talk with my high school track and cross country coach today and thought I would share some thoughts. I have a great relationship with my high school coach because he is the reason why I am running today. He has always been the person that has believed in my running abilities and to this day, I still go to him when I am discouraged about running. This past year of running was a challenging one. From a disheartening end to my cross country season to an off season of track in general, running hasn't necessarily been my favorite subject to talk about. At the end of track season, I had a length discussion with my current coach about running and my inability to perform at the level I knew that I was capable of achieving. He encouraged me to make a list and think about all of the things I loved about running. Despite the productive talk that I had with Coach Mike, I still didn't feel confident about running as we received our summer training plans and started to discuss goals for next season. Because running has become so much a part of my life and being, it is often hard to separate and step back from all of it. I struggle to accept that although running is a part of my life, it isn't my WHOLE life. I have so much more to be proud of and I often don't credit myself enough for the challenges that I have overcome. As I discussed my summer training with my high school coach today, I expressed my frustration with the feat it has been to follow my running schedule with the current job that I have. Although it has been tough, I have come to the realization that as a senior in college, I have so many priorities besides running to focus on. I mentioned to him that although I have had a positive running experience, I need to start planning for my future. A comment that significantly stuck out to me from the conversation today was: "Look at how far you have come Katie. I don't know many people that have come back the way you have since sophomore year." It is the truth. When I start to question my ability to excel in running, I have to realize that I have struggled to get to the point I am at today. After being forced to take a year completely off from running and exercise my sophomore year, I never imagined that I would make the comeback that I have. I am grateful for the ability to be running and healthy today and so thankful that so many people have stuck by me and supported me along the way. I may struggle from time to time, but if I really put things in perspective, I am successful because I haven't given up. I have almost completed four years of college running and for that, I am extremely proud of myself. Bring it senior year!

My La Verne team and running family <3

Florida Fun

Lately, I just haven't been in the mood for blogging. Typically, I have the desire to blog, but am unable to find the time between classes, practice and tutoring. My trip to Florida put a lot of things into perspective for me and ever since I returned to California, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have always been impartial to track, but have felt that it is necessary to my survival and success in cross country. I put a lot of heart and effort into cross country because I enjoy every bit of it- practice, workouts, races, being with my teammates, and even the early mornings spent pounding out miles. Track leaves me with a different feeling. It terrifies me knowing the level that I once achieved and have yet to reach again. I have made a lot of strides in the right direction and even dropped 30 seconds off of my 5k time last track season, but I still feel like I have much more of myself to give.

My trip to Florida made me realize everything that I had given up when I decided to transfer freshman year. I was the happiest I have been in a while being reunited with old friends and sorority sisters in Florida. I have matured a lot since freshman year and the things I took for granted my first year of college, I have learned to appreciate and cherish. It took leaving for a couple years and taking a step back to realize the potential that school held for me. I am left with so many hypothetical questions and unknown possibilities as a result of my decision. As a freshman, it seemed logical to transfer back to the place I know and love. As a junior reminiscing on the past couple of years, I am not as confident in my decision. As challenging as it was being all the way across the country for college, I had a group of girls that I was lucky enough to call sisters that I knew would be there for me like family when I needed them. I was being challenged academically and I had a strong drive to excel and grow as a student of psychology. Most of the people that were important to me as a freshman have remained constant in my life today, an ever-present reminder of the many people that cared about me and still do. The bottom line is that I miss Florida Southern and all of the memories that I made there. I know that it is a place that I can be happy at, regardless of whether I run cross country or track or not. The hardest part is knowing how unrealistic and far-fetched these ideas sound. I made a decision freshman year that determined my present situation at La Verne, and, happy or not, I have a year left to suck it up and move on. Now if only it were that easy...

Junior Year XC Season in Pictures

Team Hootenanny at Coach Mike's house during the summer!

Camp Runamok- The boys team after playing football

Pasta Party at Coach Erin's the night before the UCR Invite

The girls after the UCR Invite

The gang at the LA County Fair

LA County Fair Day- He gave all of the girls free stuffed animals! :)

Team Bonding- Decorating our pink shirts

Girls Team and Coach Erin after the Pomona Pitzer Invitational

Coach Sydney's race goals for the team before the Twilight Invitational

CSUF Twilight Invitational

Last Pink Tuesday of the season and we went all out!

My twin and I after the race at Multi's

SCIAC Multi's at La Mirada Park- Strides on the line

Halloween Party with the xc girls :)

Team Huddle before Conference Championships

Pep Talk from Coach Mike before SCIAC Championships at Prado Park

7th Annual SCIAC Midnight Mile- The girls ready to cheer our boys on!

21st Birthday Dinner with the team at California Pizza Kitchen!

The seniors and Coach Mike at our end of the season party

End of the season cross country party at Laser Island! (Missing a few)

Thursday Shenanigans

They are the reason I get through my long days! I love my teammates!

Thursday's never cease to disappoint me. I don't think I have had a cheerful Thursday this semester. I don't even believe it is possible to have a cheerful Thursday when you spend 16 hours at school like I do. By all means, if anyone ever wants to cheer me up on a Thursday, I wouldn't be opposed to receiving a skinny vanilla latte or candy. I have come to the realization that I am not a very complex person: as long as I get my daily latte and have my sugar fix, I am a happy camper. So anyways, this was how my Thursday unfortunately played out.

We had a work out scheduled this morning and we got the opportunity to train on Pomona-Pitzer's course. Because we are racing Regionals at Pomona-Pitzer in a couple of weeks, it was good to familiarize ourselves with the relatively flat and fast course. Thankfully, the course is very simplistic which definitely works in my favor. Despite how badly loop courses suck, my odds of getting lost or turning the wrong way significantly decrease. I honestly don't know how it is possible for me to fail so badly with direction when I literally run all over the place. I guess I like to keep things interesting. :)

The workout was successful. Minus the 400's that is. But that is besides the point; I know that I need to work on my leg speed and I am confident that in time, everything will fall into place. Before I start complaining, let me say that our hard workouts are almost always on my off days (Monday's and Wednesday's) so I don't have to worry too much about rushing to class.

I hate being rushed with a passion. My first class on Tuesday and Thursday's is Counseling and Interview Skills and I like to be prepared because it is one of my favorite classes. Another ridiculous, but very important side note is in regards to my outfit choice for today. I definitely knew that it was going to be a "look good/feel good" kind of day because I was extremely excited about my outfit.

Okay now going back to the workout. I usually have plenty of time to get ready on Tuesday's and Thursday's. Well today, scratch that. We got back to school at 8:40 and I frantically ran to the locker room. So much for the "cute" day. And so much for preparing for my mock counseling and interview session. To make matters worse, I had to forgo my only vice, a skinny vanilla latte, after my daily routine of waking up at 4:50 for practice every day.

It is a good thing that I don't have very high expectations for Thursday because my day didn't start to pick up after that. Although, I did get my latte. And we did get out of Astronomy a little bit earlier than usual which was a good thing. After spending over an hour and a half last week calculating the mass of the moon by hand, I was more than thrilled at the thought of getting home in time to watch Grey's Anatomy. No one should ever have to calculate the mass of the moon by hand, especially when Google is only a few hand movements and clicks away.

Basically, this was a pointless blog entry. However, I would say that it represents my Thursday's perfectly, and, therefore, my random tirade is appropriate and necessary.

PS. I am still contemplating my blog post about the Conference Championship race this past weekend. It will be posted after I figure everything out. Until then, goodnight and I hope you all had a more pleasant Thursday than I did.

Redemption 5k

Pasta Party at Coach Erin's House :)

La Verne XC Women's Team after the race

After missing what was expected to be our only 5k of the season, the girls team was disappointed to say the least. I know that I was really looking forward to setting a new personal best and establishing the tone for the rest of my season. When we missed the race due to a lack of communication and failure to abide by NCAA rules on the race directors part, I did everything that I could to brush it off and move on.

Sunday came and after spending the morning with my dad getting coffee, as per our usual routine, I got a call from Coach Mike. Coach Mike mentioned the idea of racing the 5k at UCR the following weekend and wanted to know my thoughts. I was ecstatic at the thought; I would get to race my 5k as planned and I knew that it would be a worthwhile performance because I felt confident and prepared. Coach warned me that it was only up in the air at that point in time, however, he would do his best to get the girls into the race.

Turns out, we got to race our 5k after all. :) I managed to set a new personal record in cross country by over 14 seconds and I couldn't have been more thrilled. Okay, I take that back; I probably would have surpassed my level of ecstasy if I had beaten a few more CMS and Redlands girls. Overall, it was a successful race for me and my teammates. And I had a fun Saturday spending time with my cross country girls; this includes giving a random host at Mimi's Cafe our number...or Sydney's number that is. (FYI: He still hasn't called but it will happen eventually)

As I fast-forward to this weekend's race, Pomona-Pitzer better be ready because La Verne cross country has high expectations for tomorrow and there will be no holding back or missed opportunities. :)

Life Lessons

All we could do after a crazy and disappointing day was smile...so that is exactly what we did. I love my teammates!

I feel like I am constantly apologizing for my blogging laziness! With that said, I really am sorry for not updating sooner but this semester has been hectic to say the least. By the way, I am writing this instead of taking a nap like I should, seeing as I got about 3 hours of sleep last night and did an uphill tempo run this morning. I can guarantee however that within the next hour, I will definitely be passed out in my bed and will remain there for a good couple of hours. Thank goodness for not having class until later tonight!

And now for all of the updates. We opened our season at the Fullerton Opener held at Carbon Canyon Regional Park. They decided to change the course up this year and unfortunately, the new course consisted of 2k loops around the thick grass. Unfortunate, but I knew that I would suck it up and give it my all. I have been experimenting with this new strategy of opening up with a controlled first mile and then picking it up from there. I struggled to remain calm and the hardest part was being okay with not being in the front of the pack. I followed the plan however and came through the mile a second off of my intended goal pace. The race felt long and painful. And I spent the next few miles trying to play catch up which was kind of fun. I had no kick which wasn't surprising but I was hoping I would at least have a little something left in the tank considering my new race strategy. I finished in 47th place out of approximately 215 girls and my time was the farthest thing from satisfactory. However, all the times were slow that day because of the course change-up and there was no way to compare the times this year from last year.

Now let's fast forward to the second race of the season at UC Irvine. I can say with confidence that it is a day that I will never forget. The week leading up to the race, I was nervous. I had a very disappointing mile repeat workout on Wednesday and I felt like I didn't have much confidence approaching the race. Similar to the Fullerton opener, I was hoping to blow my time from last cross country season out of the water. Driving to the race on Saturday, we notice that the weather is cold and overcast. We all make the comment about the perfect weather, getting excited to race our only 5k of the season. As we get to UCI, we notice that the sky drastically takes a turn for the worse. A trip to the bathroom sends us all running for cover as a lightning bolt hits the ground and thunder violently follows. We run back to the cover of the parking structure and Coach tells us that the race will be postponed due to the lightning. At least 10 laps in the parking structure pass by before we decide to head up to the field to complete our warm-up drills. As we are running up to the field, we notice that all of the teams in our race have already sprawled out across the starting line. Panic washes over us, along with the realization that our race is about to go off and we are not even close to being ready. The gun goes off before we have time to decide what to do. I did the first thing that came to mind. The army of runners pass by us and I am rushing to throw my warm-ups off. At about the middle of the pack, I decide to "jump" in the race and go for it. Micaela and Andrea chaotically chased after me and we were off. We raced a solid mile before Coach pulled us out. All I can say is that at least I picked a good spot in the race to jump in; Pomona Pitzer girls surrounded me on all sides and a few Oxy girls also joined.

Moral of the story is that we missed our race. The race started on time and we didn't make it because we were under the impression that the race would be postponed due to thunder and lightning. In the 6 years that I have been running, I have never missed a race. While I was upset and disappointed that I didn't have a chance to compete, I also knew that it was an experience I would never forget. I learned that our lack of communication with the officials is the reason why we missed the race. So for future reference, if ever there is a confusion or misunderstanding, the best option is to go to the race official and demand clarification. We finished out the day with a long run and had a great time cheering on our boys. They all did an amazing job and I was very proud of them for succeeding despite the odds and the disastrous beginning to the day.

I am looking forward to the next race, whether it be at UCR this coming weekend or at Pomona-Pitzer in a few weeks. No matter what, I am going to be ready to run fast! :)