Struggling

I hate to admit when I am wrong, weak, and in need of help. With that said, I don't think I am regressing back to the unhealthy state I was in freshman year of high school and even freshman/sophomore year of college. I am just having a hard time dealing with my current weight. As I have been extremely busy between cross country, classes, and my internship at the Autism center, I cherish the moments when I get to myself to relax and slow down. Lately however, slowing down has definitely not been an option. Moments of relaxation have become opportunities to think about all of the things that I have the power to change. After 8 years of being tormented with this eating disorder, I would have thought that time would make things a little easier. Unfortunately, it hasn't gotten easier. As I have gotten "healthier" in terms of weight, I have become more obsessed with trying to find every possible way to lose weight. It has gotten harder for me to accept myself at the current weight I am at. I know quite well of the damage I am capable of and it terrifies me, to think that I am capable of such powerful things. I know that the eating disorder doesn't define me or my potential as a person, but it is hard to think of myself without it at this point. It has become so much a part of my being, and to find the separation between the eating disorder and who I actually am has become blurry. I so badly wish that I had the ability to love food like I know that I am supposed to. It isn't necessarily that I hate it, but the fear of what it will do to my body is too much to handle. I sure as hell know that recovery isn't an easy process, I just wish that there was a defined finish line to all the madness and chaos. I know that these feelings of inadequacy are only temporary, but to find the motivation to fight right now seems pretty useless.

“You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad.”
― Marya Hornbacher