Struggling

I hate to admit when I am wrong, weak, and in need of help. With that said, I don't think I am regressing back to the unhealthy state I was in freshman year of high school and even freshman/sophomore year of college. I am just having a hard time dealing with my current weight. As I have been extremely busy between cross country, classes, and my internship at the Autism center, I cherish the moments when I get to myself to relax and slow down. Lately however, slowing down has definitely not been an option. Moments of relaxation have become opportunities to think about all of the things that I have the power to change. After 8 years of being tormented with this eating disorder, I would have thought that time would make things a little easier. Unfortunately, it hasn't gotten easier. As I have gotten "healthier" in terms of weight, I have become more obsessed with trying to find every possible way to lose weight. It has gotten harder for me to accept myself at the current weight I am at. I know quite well of the damage I am capable of and it terrifies me, to think that I am capable of such powerful things. I know that the eating disorder doesn't define me or my potential as a person, but it is hard to think of myself without it at this point. It has become so much a part of my being, and to find the separation between the eating disorder and who I actually am has become blurry. I so badly wish that I had the ability to love food like I know that I am supposed to. It isn't necessarily that I hate it, but the fear of what it will do to my body is too much to handle. I sure as hell know that recovery isn't an easy process, I just wish that there was a defined finish line to all the madness and chaos. I know that these feelings of inadequacy are only temporary, but to find the motivation to fight right now seems pretty useless.

“You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and no one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad.”
― Marya Hornbacher

Summer Thinking

I have neglected this blog for quite some time, but I had a talk with my high school track and cross country coach today and thought I would share some thoughts. I have a great relationship with my high school coach because he is the reason why I am running today. He has always been the person that has believed in my running abilities and to this day, I still go to him when I am discouraged about running. This past year of running was a challenging one. From a disheartening end to my cross country season to an off season of track in general, running hasn't necessarily been my favorite subject to talk about. At the end of track season, I had a length discussion with my current coach about running and my inability to perform at the level I knew that I was capable of achieving. He encouraged me to make a list and think about all of the things I loved about running. Despite the productive talk that I had with Coach Mike, I still didn't feel confident about running as we received our summer training plans and started to discuss goals for next season. Because running has become so much a part of my life and being, it is often hard to separate and step back from all of it. I struggle to accept that although running is a part of my life, it isn't my WHOLE life. I have so much more to be proud of and I often don't credit myself enough for the challenges that I have overcome. As I discussed my summer training with my high school coach today, I expressed my frustration with the feat it has been to follow my running schedule with the current job that I have. Although it has been tough, I have come to the realization that as a senior in college, I have so many priorities besides running to focus on. I mentioned to him that although I have had a positive running experience, I need to start planning for my future. A comment that significantly stuck out to me from the conversation today was: "Look at how far you have come Katie. I don't know many people that have come back the way you have since sophomore year." It is the truth. When I start to question my ability to excel in running, I have to realize that I have struggled to get to the point I am at today. After being forced to take a year completely off from running and exercise my sophomore year, I never imagined that I would make the comeback that I have. I am grateful for the ability to be running and healthy today and so thankful that so many people have stuck by me and supported me along the way. I may struggle from time to time, but if I really put things in perspective, I am successful because I haven't given up. I have almost completed four years of college running and for that, I am extremely proud of myself. Bring it senior year!

My La Verne team and running family <3

Florida Fun

Lately, I just haven't been in the mood for blogging. Typically, I have the desire to blog, but am unable to find the time between classes, practice and tutoring. My trip to Florida put a lot of things into perspective for me and ever since I returned to California, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have always been impartial to track, but have felt that it is necessary to my survival and success in cross country. I put a lot of heart and effort into cross country because I enjoy every bit of it- practice, workouts, races, being with my teammates, and even the early mornings spent pounding out miles. Track leaves me with a different feeling. It terrifies me knowing the level that I once achieved and have yet to reach again. I have made a lot of strides in the right direction and even dropped 30 seconds off of my 5k time last track season, but I still feel like I have much more of myself to give.

My trip to Florida made me realize everything that I had given up when I decided to transfer freshman year. I was the happiest I have been in a while being reunited with old friends and sorority sisters in Florida. I have matured a lot since freshman year and the things I took for granted my first year of college, I have learned to appreciate and cherish. It took leaving for a couple years and taking a step back to realize the potential that school held for me. I am left with so many hypothetical questions and unknown possibilities as a result of my decision. As a freshman, it seemed logical to transfer back to the place I know and love. As a junior reminiscing on the past couple of years, I am not as confident in my decision. As challenging as it was being all the way across the country for college, I had a group of girls that I was lucky enough to call sisters that I knew would be there for me like family when I needed them. I was being challenged academically and I had a strong drive to excel and grow as a student of psychology. Most of the people that were important to me as a freshman have remained constant in my life today, an ever-present reminder of the many people that cared about me and still do. The bottom line is that I miss Florida Southern and all of the memories that I made there. I know that it is a place that I can be happy at, regardless of whether I run cross country or track or not. The hardest part is knowing how unrealistic and far-fetched these ideas sound. I made a decision freshman year that determined my present situation at La Verne, and, happy or not, I have a year left to suck it up and move on. Now if only it were that easy...