Lately, I just haven't been in the mood for blogging. Typically, I have the desire to blog, but am unable to find the time between classes, practice and tutoring. My trip to Florida put a lot of things into perspective for me and ever since I returned to California, I have been doing a lot of thinking. I have always been impartial to track, but have felt that it is necessary to my survival and success in cross country. I put a lot of heart and effort into cross country because I enjoy every bit of it- practice, workouts, races, being with my teammates, and even the early mornings spent pounding out miles. Track leaves me with a different feeling. It terrifies me knowing the level that I once achieved and have yet to reach again. I have made a lot of strides in the right direction and even dropped 30 seconds off of my 5k time last track season, but I still feel like I have much more of myself to give.
My trip to Florida made me realize everything that I had given up when I decided to transfer freshman year. I was the happiest I have been in a while being reunited with old friends and sorority sisters in Florida. I have matured a lot since freshman year and the things I took for granted my first year of college, I have learned to appreciate and cherish. It took leaving for a couple years and taking a step back to realize the potential that school held for me. I am left with so many hypothetical questions and unknown possibilities as a result of my decision. As a freshman, it seemed logical to transfer back to the place I know and love. As a junior reminiscing on the past couple of years, I am not as confident in my decision. As challenging as it was being all the way across the country for college, I had a group of girls that I was lucky enough to call sisters that I knew would be there for me like family when I needed them. I was being challenged academically and I had a strong drive to excel and grow as a student of psychology. Most of the people that were important to me as a freshman have remained constant in my life today, an ever-present reminder of the many people that cared about me and still do. The bottom line is that I miss Florida Southern and all of the memories that I made there. I know that it is a place that I can be happy at, regardless of whether I run cross country or track or not. The hardest part is knowing how unrealistic and far-fetched these ideas sound. I made a decision freshman year that determined my present situation at La Verne, and, happy or not, I have a year left to suck it up and move on. Now if only it were that easy...
I think it's really important to note that the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence. And while maybe right now returning home might not seem to have been the best decision, it was what was better for you after freshman year. I think that's been the best thing about being abroad - between my experiences here, and a letter Paul Balmer sent me prior to departing for New Zealand, I've really come to adopt the metaphoric motto that "there's never been a run you've gone on that you later come to regret." Sure, maybe some runs suck, but you're stronger because of them. As for the great runs, they serve to remind you why you do it, serve to be the experiences and memories that you'll come to most cherish in the future. What's most interesting, however (at least to me), is the idea of racing or hard runs. Have you ever felt super awful during a race, only to think back to it, and not seem to be able to recall how bad it was, or just how much it hurt? I have. Basically, I take these moments as a chance to remind myself that maybe I've lost some opportunities to my past, whether from indecision, or not being mentally strong enough to push through and deal with things, or whatever, but that that doesn't mean all doors are now closed to me - instead, it's just a different set that's open. And who knows? Sometimes you can arrive at the same destination via different journeys.
ReplyDeleteI guess what I'm saying is that maybe leaving Florida was a good idea, maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was a bad run/decision that'll remind you to think things over before acting the next time something big comes your way. Maybe it was a good run/decision, and now you're just second guessing yourself. Maybe it was a bad race that you can't seem to recall and is one of those things where right now, it seems to have been a bad idea to have left, but later you'll come to really appreciate the fact that you've made friends, experiences, memories etc. that you'd never have otherwise had. However, the thing that's best RIGHT NOW is having faith in yourself; in short, no matter what sort of run it is/was, you're running - and whether you're learning from past mistakes, or coming to appreciate something you've done right so you might continue taking the high ground, you're still running forward....and that's all that counts.
And who knows, maybe none of that helped. Even as I read all this again, it might seem difficult to make a connection between what I've said here and what you posted; I don't know, the words just seemed to flow. I know I've certainly felt similarly before. But, I've also been trying to be good about recognizing that while reminiscing about good memories is always a good, pleasant, and probably (when in moderation) healthy, I'm spending mental energy on the past and what I've left behind, which means it's mental energy that I can't devote the the here and now, and (most importantly) the great people I have in my life... and if there's one thing I refuse to do, it's squander the opportunity to actually LIVE every day, the opportunity to go together with those I love in His race that we call life.
I really hoping you've begun spiraling back upwards (via Bruce Denton's "geometric spiral of training" from Once a Runner that I think is also a great way to describe life). If you need anything, I might be a world away, but I'm here if you need anything, and I know there's plenty of people elsewhere that might be closer to you both in terms of how deep your friendship runs, and physical proximity, who are more than willing to lend a hand.
-James